January 25, 2012   9,849 notes

PERMANENTLY OFFSIDE: Why the friendzone is bullshit and self-proclaimed "nice guys" are misogynists

angels-and-angles:

As defined by urban dictionary, the friendzone is…

“When you are expected to support a girl you really like while she searches for a smarter, richer, and more handsome boyfriend. There is little you can do without feeling like a dick. All in all, one of the meanest…

While I’m well aware that some men do have this mindset and have no right to act as if they’ve been victimized, that isn’t true of every instance in which someone invokes the term “friend-zone”. Women have a documented tendency to prefer unavailable men. (http://www.synergy-pr.com/files/JESP72009%281%29.pdf) It seems to boil down to the idea that that which is easy to obtain is not interesting; something which applies to men as well. S’why playing hard to get works so well. 

You can imagine how this tendency can manifest itself. A guy is really interested in a girl. He legitimately wants to do the whole lovey-dovey holding-hands dates-and-snuggles relationship thing with her. He attempts to court her by showing he cares, complimenting her, and making himself available to her. This is the wrong move, as it ends up activating that disinterest in readily available options. Now, this girl’s not going to be conciously aware of her reasoning. When it comes to feelings, the most specific representation of this you’ll hear is “I just don’t feel that way about you”. An honest representation of the guy’s interest can be a subconscious turn-off. So when another guy comes along who really doesn’t care that much - especially one who’s already in a relationship or was in one recently - he’s the one with the better chance. At this point, things are going to seem rough on that first guy, as he really cares about this girl, and has put so much effort into showing it. Not as much of a waste of *time* as a waste of passion, but, eh. 


A couple clarifications: You can probably switch the gender of all hypothetical characters and still have a legit, believable narrative. Also, I can’t blame those who friendzone others. “Der Mensch kann wohl tun, was er will, aber er kann nicht wollen, was er will. - Arthur Schopenhauer. A man can do what he wants, but he can’t will what he wants. We don’t choose what we like or how we feel about things. I’m not going to go around shaming on folks for following something which my well be an instinctive desire. That’s just how people tend to work. Nobody to blame, really. Friendzoneing just tends to turn out that way. 


Ya know, this whole scenario I’m describing might be a bit more common than the one this previous lady got at. ‘cause who really puts so much time and effort into a girl *just* thinking about her like a sex object? If that’s *all* the guy’s after, he’d stop caring as soon as he’s gotten his every-other-daily wank in. Folks with that kinda motivation are rarely going to sit around in the friendzone or its waiting room for more than a couple months. In case the lady I’m responding to reads this: are you sure you’re not guilty of doing that to your friend? 

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    This, especially the part about it being a two-way deal. It can be incredibly upsetting to hear that someone has an...
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    yes, yes, and yes. Just because you are interested she has to drop everything and flock to you? She can’t reject you but...
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    HI YOU MEAN THIS CONCEPT I’VE BEEN RANTING ABOUT FOREVER?
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